Shaking a glass snow globe, you can see the snow inevitably settle after a storm of snowflakes swirl around trapped inside the glass confines… this pretty much sums up to how I’m feeling right now as my depression is back …
I am trapped inside a depressive glass ball with my emotions frantically attacking me. I’m trying to “live in the moment” and reassure myself that the snow will settle and the wave will pass… but I’m in the middle of the snowstorm and I can barely see, breathe and I fail to believe that this storm inside will subside.
“It’s just an episode of depression”
I’ve no energy left to fight the storm. I’ve very little hope that this storm will pass. And the bright lights of Christmas wonderfulness are a stark cry from this inner bubble I’m battling. I can see the smiles, the hand-made decorations and I can hear the Christmas Carols being sung. All of them are trying to break through this thick glass wall that surrounds me.
I’m not even sure I have the power to break through the confines of this glass bubble anymore. This year has taken its toll on me… and so has this life that I have lived.
To the outside world, I am a strong single mum, a business owner, a vlogger, blogger, film-maker and Bellydancer.
The outside world look in on my bubble… they see that I am well made up with make up, a nice dress and I have two little ones holding my hands.
To the outside world I have a perfect little home, a career, plenty of passions/hobbies and a whole community of people behind me.
The outside world are just watching on as the snowflakes gently fall and settle.
This may be the case. But for me right now all I can see are the cold flakes covering my eyes, the sharp pieces of sleet cutting into my already broken heart and I can feel the dampness of the flakes trickle down my icey body.
I can’t even feel my children’s hands hold mine. My hands are too cold, my heart is too heavy and I can’t bear to let them feel the pain inside my body. But I also don’t want them to let go of my hands because I fear it’ll be forever. And yet I don’t want them to pick up on my pain.
The pain of being separated from your children for a lot of the week and over Christmas, the pain of having loved ones shun you without searching for the whole truth, the pain of not feeling truly loved and the pain of people not really knowing you or even wanting to know the real you.
My heart is hurting, my mind is exploding and my body wishes it would just wither away rather than standing tall with fat suffocating me. My smile is real but my eyes are sad. My heart is still here, that’s the problem, I just care too much that it hurts so much that I can’t bare it.
Sometimes this pain presents as mood swings, pushing people away and self-destructive behaviour because I’m lonely here.
Sometimes I’m really high and sometimes really low, I don’t want you to witness either. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.
I don’t want anymore drama. I never wanted drama. I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to live and I just wanted the world to be a fair place.
I feel injustices and other people’s pain as if they were my own but I care way more for others than I do myself. I couldn’t care less about myself right now.
I feel weak, pathetic and want to be invisible… but my whole world/life/career revolves around me being visible.
I do know deep down, however, that somewhere, there is that fire still. That fire which has melted all the snowflakes thus far. That little fire that has somehow kept me alive. But the flame is dim and wavering out.
I think, like many people, that there are certain triggers especially at pressured times of the year like Christmas.
I always dreamt of creating one family unit under one safe roof, something I didn’t have growing up.
But on reflection, I’ve never had the 2.4 life and that’s what has made me who I am. I’ve always spoken out and struggled to conform… which mostly I celebrate these days… but in times like this I’m just kicking myself for not just trying to fit in.
Why couldn’t I have just stayed quiet? Why couldn’t I just fit in?
I know a lot of people focus on material things at this time of year, but I can assure you as someone who has had nothing and as someone who has had everything they’ve ‘wanted’, that none of that matters. I genuinely believe we only borrow money and ‘looks; on this earth and eternally all that is empty… it is only our hearts that live on.
So whilst we may be looking in on other people’s “perfect” snow globes… know that this isn’t necessarily what it seems.
Actually, at fractious times like this, we all need to hold hands because the snowstorm is as bad as it has ever been and I truly think love for one another will always win.
Anyway, for now I’m hibernating. But don’t worry I am highly functioning (or force myself to be) so I am throwing myself into work, gym, church and dance so I won’t be quiet as much as I want to be.
I just have to keep reminding myself of the quote on my wall (and you do repeat this too if you are struggling):
“You haven’t come this far, just to go this far.”